Day three

Sorry I skipped day two!  I was feeling pretty nasty yesterday...  Still not in top shape, but I'll live  :-)  It will pass.  I'm hoping that changing my eating habits will help me out!

So, I'm on day three of my month of living the way I want to, and though I knew it wasn't going to be easy, I didn't realize it was going to be this hard!  My "I don't feel like it" attitude has been hitting harder each day.  I'm still not tidied up yet, and my practice schedule is in shambles...  But I won't let it defeat me.  God says that His mercies are new every morning.  Each day is new, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.  As long as I keep moving forward each day, instead of staying stagnant, then that's what I want to accomplish.  I simply want some forward momentum, I'm tired of being stuck.

Yesterday at work, I was reminded of something.  Something I probably didn't emphasize enough in my last blog.  These changes in my life and behavior are only going to be brought about through the power of God.  He is the conqueror, He is the one to whom victory and the credit for it belongs.  It is through His Holy Spirit's guidance that I will become the woman I dream of being.  I've just refused to listen up to this point.  I need to quiet myself more often, so that I can more clearly hear Him.

Anyway, yesterday at work, I would not have stuck to my plan if not for the Holy Spirit.  It was like my mind was awoken from a fog that I didn't even realize I was in!  I discovered just how many bad habits I had in terms of my eating!  It's so easy to eat sweets all day at work.  They're so accessible when you work at Starbucks, it's ridiculous, really.  I caught myself several times during the day reaching for a bite of pastry.  And, while one bite wouldn't be bad, I'm someone who just can't stop at one!  It's so difficult for me, I'm not used to exercising my self-control.  I had to lean on the gentle reminders of my Counselor all day to stop me.  When I watched myself and my actions without thought, I discovered it was no wonder I'd started to gain back all the weight that I'd lost last year.  It makes me sad.  Living life in such a fog has terrible results, and not just in the area of eating.  I can't imagine what people must go through who don't have Jesus there for them all the time.  Who can't turn to their own personal piece of God, living in their hearts, and look for guidance.  I can't imagine life without God at all.  I've always known He's there, and trying to imagine a life where I simply live and when I die that it's...  It makes me feel hopeless.

It's no wonder the rest of the world lives the way they do.  They have to take advantage of everything they can while alive, because when they die, that's it.  This really is the closest they will ever get to heaven.  Why would someone choose an existence like that?  Wouldn't people want to even just consider the possibility that God exists, simply for the idea of some greater purpose, something after this life?  It's like I'm coming from a world where people walk forward, looking at a world where people walk backward, and we just can't seem to come to an understanding.  It breaks my heart.

In other news, I'm getting the bags done for the girls at church, finally!  I want to finish them before school starts.  I have one basically done, I just have to attach the handle to it.  I'm feeling like I actually accomplished something, which is nice!  I'm doing my best to focus on what has been done for good, and not what I failed to accomplish.  Not that I can't learn from what hasn't been done, and still needs to, but I can't let the fact that I haven't done it keep me from being ok with myself as a person.  I've allowed that to happen for far too long, hating myself for everything I hadn't accomplished.  Now, my joy will be in what God has been able to do with me and through me.  Perhaps my life touches more people than I even knew.  It always seems to be that way in the missionary stories I've read.  Why wouldn't my life be that way?  I really hope that I get to see what God did "behind the scenes" of my life (which, of course, I totally think is all about me...  like all humans!), and what my life was really meant to accomplish.  I wonder what His purpose is for me, in the long run. 

In case you can't tell, I'm feeling rather contemplative!  :-)  But, that's how I prefer to be.  I'd rather be open to what's going on in my life, than be back in that fog.