Be still

Tonight, this warrior chick is hurting.

I have been in such a state of confusion and anger and exhaustion it's made me almost start avoiding God.  Ok, well, not almost, I was avoiding God.  It was like a little "whack-a-mole" game.  I wouldn't stay in one place long enough to get a hold of me. 

It started when I came home from doing my school shopping.  I didn't have too much to get, just some paper, spiral notebooks, a couple of folders, and a new backpack.  The closer I got to home, the more I sunk into a pretty deep depression.  I was feeling guilty for buying the things I needed for school!  The little voice in my mind told me that, by buying what I needed, I was never going to be able to afford to move out, and it started attacking my use of the finances I have and going after me.

I prayed a little, which I haven't done in a serious way for quite a while.  When the voice went quiet, I started talking with God.  I felt like I needed to release something.  After buckets of tears, I thought that it would have to do with this book I've been reading, but I thought wrong.  I couldn't find the book, instead I found a cd.  It's by a group called Infinite Green.  They aren't in existence anymore, but I happen to know a couple of the band members who gave me the album... namely Connection's pastor Dusty and his wife, Tammi  :-)

Tammi had played a song at our open mic night that I just loved, and I remembered her telling me it was on this album, so I opened it up and flipped to the track.  Here are the words which I really needed to hear tonight:


When my good intentions turn into my striving,
And Your image is made weak for I am strong,
I'm amazed that your heart keeps on trying
to bring my mind to that of Christ's where I belong.

As I seek Your face
and fall upon Your grace
You say:

Be still, My Child, and know that I am holy.
Be still, My child, and know your heart is in My hands.
Be still, My child, and gaze into My eyes.
Can you tarry awhile for all the tears I've cried?
Can you stay awhile and let go of your pride?
And will you trust Me with your life because I died?
Be still,
Be still.

Well, I've poured my life out upon the altar,
and I've said, "No my will, but Thine be done."
It's when I try to understand I often falter.
When I take control, the battle's never won.

Defeated I cry.
Even still, You rush to my side
and say:

Be still, My Child, and know that I am holy.
Be still, My child, and know your heart is in My hands.
Be still, My child, and gaze into My eyes.
Can you tarry awhile for all the tears I've cried?
Can you stay awhile and let go of your pride?
And will you trust Me with your life because I died?
Be still,
Be still.

And if only you will trust in Me, My child,
I will give you peace.

In order to get peace, I have to be still and trust. 

I haven't been doing that

Obviously

Blessed are they that dwell in Your house, they will be still, praising You.  Psalm 84:4

Those that dwell in the Father's house are still before God.

 Allowing Him to do His work.

Does being still equate to doing nothing?  No, I don't think so.  It's more of a state of the soul.  In looking at some different definitions of the word "still" from the original languages of the Bible (granted, I'm no Bible scholar, but these sound accurate enough to me!), I found these to be the definitions:  to rest, settle down, to remain, be or make quiet, to lay or set down, deposit, to let remain or leave, to depart, to sit down, to dwell, to be undisturbed, to be at peace.

To be quiet, calm, to leave behind worries and cares of this world, to dwell in the presence of the Most High God while longing to remain there, and to be undisturbed in our souls.

That would be my idea of what being still should mean.  Does it mean I'm good at it?  Nope, not really, seeing as how I just came to that definition tonight.

But I will be practicing.

God, thank you for putting on my brakes.  Thank you for drawing me back to you.  I still have my questions, I still have no idea what's going to happen, but like that song says, the minute I try to understand is the minute I foul it all up.

Help me to trust you.
Help me to dwell in your presence, always.

I still can't believe You've not given up on me, with all the pain I've caused You.  Please forgive me. I love You, and I can't believe I never noticed how much I've missed You.  This time, I'll trust You to romance me without fear of You breaking my heart. 

This time,

I want to chase You, too.

:-)