Well, as an update, things are going pretty well in life in general. I feel much more grounded in my relationship with God than I think I ever have, which is wonderful. My little "eating right" campaign is going well, and I've lost ten pounds to prove it! So exciting! Now if I could just convince myself to get up and exercise... :-) Ah well, one thing at a time.
Practicing is going ok. I'm discovering that I actually hear all of my notes out of tune, which means I play them out of tune. Must come from playing on a piano that needs tuning or something... Or, more likely, it just means I'm a little out of whack!
I'm writing this to process some thoughts from a devotional I had today. The author was talking about a conversation she had with her daughter where she drew a tree as an illustration. The tree had fruit, which represented "giftings", as she called it. The tree also had roots which represented "virtues." She was using the tree as a point, showing her daughter what happens when you are not grounded in virtues (which she listed as things like love, joy, peace, etc.). If you focus too much on the fruit, and not enough on the roots, then the tree will fall over.
I had a bit of a picture put into my head with that. The tree in this illustration represents a life. The fruits/giftings represented to me "what I can do." The roots/virtues were "what God channels through me." If you think about it, it all makes sense. What God channels through you creates different types of thoughts, words, and actions.
My thought is, are we too focused on what we do, and not what God is trying to channel through us?
I realized that I had things backwards.
I thought (subconsciously) that what I did, and how well I did it, would affect what God chose to feed into me. I thought that my fruits were my roots! What a crazy upside down tree I have been! When I realized that, I asked God to remind me that His world doesn't revolve around me, but mine should be around Him. What I do doesn't affect what He does, but what He sends through me is the only thing that can change my life and my heart.
Then, in my little meditation (which took place in a practice room in the Morrison Center at BSU, btw!!!) I thought about all the spiritual gifts surveys I've taken over the years, and I began to think about them. Are we too concerned about what our fruit is, what we can do and what happens when God flows something through us? Are we too concerned about results?
Or, should we be more focused on what is going into our lives? I've always heard it said that what goes in will come out... Don't you think that, if we're allowing God to flow through us and fill us with His good things (whichever ones He may choose, not just the ones we want), and if we consciously choose the things of God to fill our lives, isn't that going to be most of what comes out of us? Of course, we are human "trees" so things will occasionally come out in a way they probably shouldn't, but wouldn't you think that it's a safe bet that the more God you have, the less of yourself will exist?
Not that it's not good to understand what your natural callings are, but should we be analyzing ourselves constantly, or should we allow God to speak through other people into our lives and allow them to recognize what we may be gifted at? Wouldn't you say that constantly looking at yourself and what you're "doing for God" is a form of self-worship?
I don't think God is as results oriented as we make Him out to be.
In fact
I'm leaning towards the idea that He's really not at all.
I think that our lives will be judged by the way we allowed Him to live through us while on earth. I think the way we lived will be evaluated by the means we used to get our "ends." People say that the ends justify the means, and I don't think that's true at all. I think the means need to be in line with God's will, or the end result doesn't count because it will be all because of us. When the means are in line with God's will, which is impossible for us to accomplish without Him, then the ends will be because of HIS work through us.
I worry that too many people are wrapped up in spiritual gifts, about what is coming out of them, and not simply watching what they are putting into themselves.
God, please save the upside down trees of this world, as You have saved me.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Be still
Tonight, this warrior chick is hurting.
I have been in such a state of confusion and anger and exhaustion it's made me almost start avoiding God. Ok, well, not almost, I was avoiding God. It was like a little "whack-a-mole" game. I wouldn't stay in one place long enough to get a hold of me.
It started when I came home from doing my school shopping. I didn't have too much to get, just some paper, spiral notebooks, a couple of folders, and a new backpack. The closer I got to home, the more I sunk into a pretty deep depression. I was feeling guilty for buying the things I needed for school! The little voice in my mind told me that, by buying what I needed, I was never going to be able to afford to move out, and it started attacking my use of the finances I have and going after me.
I prayed a little, which I haven't done in a serious way for quite a while. When the voice went quiet, I started talking with God. I felt like I needed to release something. After buckets of tears, I thought that it would have to do with this book I've been reading, but I thought wrong. I couldn't find the book, instead I found a cd. It's by a group called Infinite Green. They aren't in existence anymore, but I happen to know a couple of the band members who gave me the album... namely Connection's pastor Dusty and his wife, Tammi :-)
Tammi had played a song at our open mic night that I just loved, and I remembered her telling me it was on this album, so I opened it up and flipped to the track. Here are the words which I really needed to hear tonight:
When my good intentions turn into my striving,
And Your image is made weak for I am strong,
I'm amazed that your heart keeps on trying
to bring my mind to that of Christ's where I belong.
As I seek Your face
and fall upon Your grace
You say:
Be still, My Child, and know that I am holy.
Be still, My child, and know your heart is in My hands.
Be still, My child, and gaze into My eyes.
Can you tarry awhile for all the tears I've cried?
Can you stay awhile and let go of your pride?
And will you trust Me with your life because I died?
Be still,
Be still.
Well, I've poured my life out upon the altar,
and I've said, "No my will, but Thine be done."
It's when I try to understand I often falter.
When I take control, the battle's never won.
Defeated I cry.
Even still, You rush to my side
and say:
Be still, My Child, and know that I am holy.
Be still, My child, and know your heart is in My hands.
Be still, My child, and gaze into My eyes.
Can you tarry awhile for all the tears I've cried?
Can you stay awhile and let go of your pride?
And will you trust Me with your life because I died?
Be still,
Be still.
And if only you will trust in Me, My child,
I will give you peace.
In order to get peace, I have to be still and trust.
I haven't been doing that
Obviously
Blessed are they that dwell in Your house, they will be still, praising You. Psalm 84:4
Those that dwell in the Father's house are still before God.
Allowing Him to do His work.
Does being still equate to doing nothing? No, I don't think so. It's more of a state of the soul. In looking at some different definitions of the word "still" from the original languages of the Bible (granted, I'm no Bible scholar, but these sound accurate enough to me!), I found these to be the definitions: to rest, settle down, to remain, be or make quiet, to lay or set down, deposit, to let remain or leave, to depart, to sit down, to dwell, to be undisturbed, to be at peace.
To be quiet, calm, to leave behind worries and cares of this world, to dwell in the presence of the Most High God while longing to remain there, and to be undisturbed in our souls.
That would be my idea of what being still should mean. Does it mean I'm good at it? Nope, not really, seeing as how I just came to that definition tonight.
But I will be practicing.
God, thank you for putting on my brakes. Thank you for drawing me back to you. I still have my questions, I still have no idea what's going to happen, but like that song says, the minute I try to understand is the minute I foul it all up.
Help me to trust you.
Help me to dwell in your presence, always.
I still can't believe You've not given up on me, with all the pain I've caused You. Please forgive me. I love You, and I can't believe I never noticed how much I've missed You. This time, I'll trust You to romance me without fear of You breaking my heart.
This time,
I want to chase You, too.
:-)
I have been in such a state of confusion and anger and exhaustion it's made me almost start avoiding God. Ok, well, not almost, I was avoiding God. It was like a little "whack-a-mole" game. I wouldn't stay in one place long enough to get a hold of me.
It started when I came home from doing my school shopping. I didn't have too much to get, just some paper, spiral notebooks, a couple of folders, and a new backpack. The closer I got to home, the more I sunk into a pretty deep depression. I was feeling guilty for buying the things I needed for school! The little voice in my mind told me that, by buying what I needed, I was never going to be able to afford to move out, and it started attacking my use of the finances I have and going after me.
I prayed a little, which I haven't done in a serious way for quite a while. When the voice went quiet, I started talking with God. I felt like I needed to release something. After buckets of tears, I thought that it would have to do with this book I've been reading, but I thought wrong. I couldn't find the book, instead I found a cd. It's by a group called Infinite Green. They aren't in existence anymore, but I happen to know a couple of the band members who gave me the album... namely Connection's pastor Dusty and his wife, Tammi :-)
Tammi had played a song at our open mic night that I just loved, and I remembered her telling me it was on this album, so I opened it up and flipped to the track. Here are the words which I really needed to hear tonight:
When my good intentions turn into my striving,
And Your image is made weak for I am strong,
I'm amazed that your heart keeps on trying
to bring my mind to that of Christ's where I belong.
As I seek Your face
and fall upon Your grace
You say:
Be still, My Child, and know that I am holy.
Be still, My child, and know your heart is in My hands.
Be still, My child, and gaze into My eyes.
Can you tarry awhile for all the tears I've cried?
Can you stay awhile and let go of your pride?
And will you trust Me with your life because I died?
Be still,
Be still.
Well, I've poured my life out upon the altar,
and I've said, "No my will, but Thine be done."
It's when I try to understand I often falter.
When I take control, the battle's never won.
Defeated I cry.
Even still, You rush to my side
and say:
Be still, My Child, and know that I am holy.
Be still, My child, and know your heart is in My hands.
Be still, My child, and gaze into My eyes.
Can you tarry awhile for all the tears I've cried?
Can you stay awhile and let go of your pride?
And will you trust Me with your life because I died?
Be still,
Be still.
And if only you will trust in Me, My child,
I will give you peace.
In order to get peace, I have to be still and trust.
I haven't been doing that
Obviously
Blessed are they that dwell in Your house, they will be still, praising You. Psalm 84:4
Those that dwell in the Father's house are still before God.
Allowing Him to do His work.
Does being still equate to doing nothing? No, I don't think so. It's more of a state of the soul. In looking at some different definitions of the word "still" from the original languages of the Bible (granted, I'm no Bible scholar, but these sound accurate enough to me!), I found these to be the definitions: to rest, settle down, to remain, be or make quiet, to lay or set down, deposit, to let remain or leave, to depart, to sit down, to dwell, to be undisturbed, to be at peace.
To be quiet, calm, to leave behind worries and cares of this world, to dwell in the presence of the Most High God while longing to remain there, and to be undisturbed in our souls.
That would be my idea of what being still should mean. Does it mean I'm good at it? Nope, not really, seeing as how I just came to that definition tonight.
But I will be practicing.
God, thank you for putting on my brakes. Thank you for drawing me back to you. I still have my questions, I still have no idea what's going to happen, but like that song says, the minute I try to understand is the minute I foul it all up.
Help me to trust you.
Help me to dwell in your presence, always.
I still can't believe You've not given up on me, with all the pain I've caused You. Please forgive me. I love You, and I can't believe I never noticed how much I've missed You. This time, I'll trust You to romance me without fear of You breaking my heart.
This time,
I want to chase You, too.
:-)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Day three
Sorry I skipped day two! I was feeling pretty nasty yesterday... Still not in top shape, but I'll live :-) It will pass. I'm hoping that changing my eating habits will help me out!
So, I'm on day three of my month of living the way I want to, and though I knew it wasn't going to be easy, I didn't realize it was going to be this hard! My "I don't feel like it" attitude has been hitting harder each day. I'm still not tidied up yet, and my practice schedule is in shambles... But I won't let it defeat me. God says that His mercies are new every morning. Each day is new, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. As long as I keep moving forward each day, instead of staying stagnant, then that's what I want to accomplish. I simply want some forward momentum, I'm tired of being stuck.
Yesterday at work, I was reminded of something. Something I probably didn't emphasize enough in my last blog. These changes in my life and behavior are only going to be brought about through the power of God. He is the conqueror, He is the one to whom victory and the credit for it belongs. It is through His Holy Spirit's guidance that I will become the woman I dream of being. I've just refused to listen up to this point. I need to quiet myself more often, so that I can more clearly hear Him.
Anyway, yesterday at work, I would not have stuck to my plan if not for the Holy Spirit. It was like my mind was awoken from a fog that I didn't even realize I was in! I discovered just how many bad habits I had in terms of my eating! It's so easy to eat sweets all day at work. They're so accessible when you work at Starbucks, it's ridiculous, really. I caught myself several times during the day reaching for a bite of pastry. And, while one bite wouldn't be bad, I'm someone who just can't stop at one! It's so difficult for me, I'm not used to exercising my self-control. I had to lean on the gentle reminders of my Counselor all day to stop me. When I watched myself and my actions without thought, I discovered it was no wonder I'd started to gain back all the weight that I'd lost last year. It makes me sad. Living life in such a fog has terrible results, and not just in the area of eating. I can't imagine what people must go through who don't have Jesus there for them all the time. Who can't turn to their own personal piece of God, living in their hearts, and look for guidance. I can't imagine life without God at all. I've always known He's there, and trying to imagine a life where I simply live and when I die that it's... It makes me feel hopeless.
It's no wonder the rest of the world lives the way they do. They have to take advantage of everything they can while alive, because when they die, that's it. This really is the closest they will ever get to heaven. Why would someone choose an existence like that? Wouldn't people want to even just consider the possibility that God exists, simply for the idea of some greater purpose, something after this life? It's like I'm coming from a world where people walk forward, looking at a world where people walk backward, and we just can't seem to come to an understanding. It breaks my heart.
In other news, I'm getting the bags done for the girls at church, finally! I want to finish them before school starts. I have one basically done, I just have to attach the handle to it. I'm feeling like I actually accomplished something, which is nice! I'm doing my best to focus on what has been done for good, and not what I failed to accomplish. Not that I can't learn from what hasn't been done, and still needs to, but I can't let the fact that I haven't done it keep me from being ok with myself as a person. I've allowed that to happen for far too long, hating myself for everything I hadn't accomplished. Now, my joy will be in what God has been able to do with me and through me. Perhaps my life touches more people than I even knew. It always seems to be that way in the missionary stories I've read. Why wouldn't my life be that way? I really hope that I get to see what God did "behind the scenes" of my life (which, of course, I totally think is all about me... like all humans!), and what my life was really meant to accomplish. I wonder what His purpose is for me, in the long run.
In case you can't tell, I'm feeling rather contemplative! :-) But, that's how I prefer to be. I'd rather be open to what's going on in my life, than be back in that fog.
So, I'm on day three of my month of living the way I want to, and though I knew it wasn't going to be easy, I didn't realize it was going to be this hard! My "I don't feel like it" attitude has been hitting harder each day. I'm still not tidied up yet, and my practice schedule is in shambles... But I won't let it defeat me. God says that His mercies are new every morning. Each day is new, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. As long as I keep moving forward each day, instead of staying stagnant, then that's what I want to accomplish. I simply want some forward momentum, I'm tired of being stuck.
Yesterday at work, I was reminded of something. Something I probably didn't emphasize enough in my last blog. These changes in my life and behavior are only going to be brought about through the power of God. He is the conqueror, He is the one to whom victory and the credit for it belongs. It is through His Holy Spirit's guidance that I will become the woman I dream of being. I've just refused to listen up to this point. I need to quiet myself more often, so that I can more clearly hear Him.
Anyway, yesterday at work, I would not have stuck to my plan if not for the Holy Spirit. It was like my mind was awoken from a fog that I didn't even realize I was in! I discovered just how many bad habits I had in terms of my eating! It's so easy to eat sweets all day at work. They're so accessible when you work at Starbucks, it's ridiculous, really. I caught myself several times during the day reaching for a bite of pastry. And, while one bite wouldn't be bad, I'm someone who just can't stop at one! It's so difficult for me, I'm not used to exercising my self-control. I had to lean on the gentle reminders of my Counselor all day to stop me. When I watched myself and my actions without thought, I discovered it was no wonder I'd started to gain back all the weight that I'd lost last year. It makes me sad. Living life in such a fog has terrible results, and not just in the area of eating. I can't imagine what people must go through who don't have Jesus there for them all the time. Who can't turn to their own personal piece of God, living in their hearts, and look for guidance. I can't imagine life without God at all. I've always known He's there, and trying to imagine a life where I simply live and when I die that it's... It makes me feel hopeless.
It's no wonder the rest of the world lives the way they do. They have to take advantage of everything they can while alive, because when they die, that's it. This really is the closest they will ever get to heaven. Why would someone choose an existence like that? Wouldn't people want to even just consider the possibility that God exists, simply for the idea of some greater purpose, something after this life? It's like I'm coming from a world where people walk forward, looking at a world where people walk backward, and we just can't seem to come to an understanding. It breaks my heart.
In other news, I'm getting the bags done for the girls at church, finally! I want to finish them before school starts. I have one basically done, I just have to attach the handle to it. I'm feeling like I actually accomplished something, which is nice! I'm doing my best to focus on what has been done for good, and not what I failed to accomplish. Not that I can't learn from what hasn't been done, and still needs to, but I can't let the fact that I haven't done it keep me from being ok with myself as a person. I've allowed that to happen for far too long, hating myself for everything I hadn't accomplished. Now, my joy will be in what God has been able to do with me and through me. Perhaps my life touches more people than I even knew. It always seems to be that way in the missionary stories I've read. Why wouldn't my life be that way? I really hope that I get to see what God did "behind the scenes" of my life (which, of course, I totally think is all about me... like all humans!), and what my life was really meant to accomplish. I wonder what His purpose is for me, in the long run.
In case you can't tell, I'm feeling rather contemplative! :-) But, that's how I prefer to be. I'd rather be open to what's going on in my life, than be back in that fog.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Day one
Ok, so... I have to admit, I'm not exactly happy with myself as I am. I mean, not that I hate myself or anything, I'm just not the kind of person I'd like to be.
So, it's time for a little experiment!
This is day one of a thirty one day period where I am simply going to be the person I want to be.
Now, not saying I'm going to be a terrible person whenever I want... Nononononono! If you know me at all, you know I really would never want to be that person. Here's a little preview of who I want to be:
Someone who spends regular time alone with God, reading and listening to Him.
Someone who takes good care of what she has (is a little tidier person than I am right now!)
Someone who takes good care of her body (eats better than I do, regularly exercises, etc...)
Someone who is punctual (I can be, but it varies)
Someone who regularly practices her bassoon! ;-)
Someone who listens more and hears with her heart
In short, someone who does not allow her laziness or her "I just don't feel like it" attitude get in the way of what needs to be done. I'm tired of them getting the better of me. I want to overcome those things, and the best way I can think of to do this, is to make the things I listed above into habits.
I'm an extremely habitual person. You can almost bet that you'll know what I'll do in a day. Since I know this about myself, I'm going to use it as a weapon.
It varies according to the "experts" as to how long it takes to form a habit that is subconscious. The number that's popped up a lot in my reading is somewhere between 21 to 30 days. That's why the 31 day experiment.
You may think it strange, that a person can't change habits overnight. And it's true! I once saw a book entitled "Only Nuns Change Habits Overnight." But, this is more than just changing habits. This is me battling my negative emotions. This is me vs. every voice in my head that says I can't do these things.
However
I know that the things on my list are honoring to God. Jesus overcame death and the grave in His power, and has given me the power to overcome what keeps me from Him. He has already won the battle, I just have to do my part and stand firm. Does that sound kinda funny in terms of things like punctuality? Yeah, maybe, but I feel like He's asking me to do this. And I'm doing it. Not because I think He'll love me more, but because this is who I want to be. This is the dream He's given me, and, really, nothing but myself is preventing me from being that person!
This experiment is also for another blog that I write for. It's called Beyond the Song. I wrote a blog about overcoming the things in our lives that defeat us on a daily basis. By changing these things in my life, I'm taking away any ammo that Satan may have in my life in that area by doing what I can about it. That way, he will have to find something else to come after. I'd call it "sealing the breaches in the wall." If you want to know about that one, you can ask :-)
Lastly, on each day of the experiment, I'm also going to remind myself of one aspect of who I am in Christ. :-) I'm excited about that one. I've been feeling a little lost lately, and I'm wondering if it's not because it's not ingrained in me as to who I am in Jesus. So, here's one part of who I am, for those of you who don't know :-)
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new.
I am a new creation. The old me has passed away and is dead. This is the new me. :-)
So, it's time for a little experiment!
This is day one of a thirty one day period where I am simply going to be the person I want to be.
Now, not saying I'm going to be a terrible person whenever I want... Nononononono! If you know me at all, you know I really would never want to be that person. Here's a little preview of who I want to be:
Someone who spends regular time alone with God, reading and listening to Him.
Someone who takes good care of what she has (is a little tidier person than I am right now!)
Someone who takes good care of her body (eats better than I do, regularly exercises, etc...)
Someone who is punctual (I can be, but it varies)
Someone who regularly practices her bassoon! ;-)
Someone who listens more and hears with her heart
In short, someone who does not allow her laziness or her "I just don't feel like it" attitude get in the way of what needs to be done. I'm tired of them getting the better of me. I want to overcome those things, and the best way I can think of to do this, is to make the things I listed above into habits.
I'm an extremely habitual person. You can almost bet that you'll know what I'll do in a day. Since I know this about myself, I'm going to use it as a weapon.
It varies according to the "experts" as to how long it takes to form a habit that is subconscious. The number that's popped up a lot in my reading is somewhere between 21 to 30 days. That's why the 31 day experiment.
You may think it strange, that a person can't change habits overnight. And it's true! I once saw a book entitled "Only Nuns Change Habits Overnight." But, this is more than just changing habits. This is me battling my negative emotions. This is me vs. every voice in my head that says I can't do these things.
However
I know that the things on my list are honoring to God. Jesus overcame death and the grave in His power, and has given me the power to overcome what keeps me from Him. He has already won the battle, I just have to do my part and stand firm. Does that sound kinda funny in terms of things like punctuality? Yeah, maybe, but I feel like He's asking me to do this. And I'm doing it. Not because I think He'll love me more, but because this is who I want to be. This is the dream He's given me, and, really, nothing but myself is preventing me from being that person!
This experiment is also for another blog that I write for. It's called Beyond the Song. I wrote a blog about overcoming the things in our lives that defeat us on a daily basis. By changing these things in my life, I'm taking away any ammo that Satan may have in my life in that area by doing what I can about it. That way, he will have to find something else to come after. I'd call it "sealing the breaches in the wall." If you want to know about that one, you can ask :-)
Lastly, on each day of the experiment, I'm also going to remind myself of one aspect of who I am in Christ. :-) I'm excited about that one. I've been feeling a little lost lately, and I'm wondering if it's not because it's not ingrained in me as to who I am in Jesus. So, here's one part of who I am, for those of you who don't know :-)
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new.
I am a new creation. The old me has passed away and is dead. This is the new me. :-)
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