I Made You a Dragon for a Reason...

Tonight I went to see the new Narnia movie with a friend.  So good!  If you're looking for a carbon copy of the book or the old BBC version, don't go.  They changed the plot.  However, if you're looking for something that keeps the spirit and spiritual intent of the series, simply updated with a more fast-paced plot, then I would highly recommend it. 

As we watched, we came to a part which was one I could always relate to.  Those of you who are familiar with the series will recall the part in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader where Eustace is turned into a dragon.  Later, he is turned back into a boy.  Eustace, to me, epitomizes my life in that I always have to bumble along and then fall into something bad to learn the hard way.  The movie changed the plot line a little.  In the book, Eustace is a dragon for maybe a few days.  In the movie, it's unclear how long he is a dragon, but instead of being transformed into a boy while they are still on the island where he changed originally, he travels with them as a dragon.  I know this seems like useless information, but bear with me.  :-)

Reepicheep, the mouse, takes a particular interest in Eustace at this point.  They had antagonized each other the whole time, but Reep takes it upon himself to stay with Eustace through this trying time.  Eustace decides to make himself useful to the Dawn Treader and the crew by pulling the ship along when there is no wind, and in the book he carries heavy things (like a new mast) for them to help out.  At the climax of the movie, the crew has to sail the ship to the dark island to break an evil spell and save Narnia.  Reep is riding on Eustace's head as they fly toward the island.  Eustace gets scared and tries to turn away, but Reep won't let him.  He talked about having courage.  How Eustace has no need to be afraid because of his iron scales and fire breathing and such.

And then the Holy Spirit said something:

"Aslan made him a dragon for a reason, you know."

Wait, what?

Now, I am someone who kinda hates it when people stretch things to draw a spiritual conclusion from them.  Do I believe that God can speak to anyone through any situation?  Yes.  But I really do think there are times when people take things way too far and make themselves a mountain out of a mole hill.

I wasn't looking for some great spiritual truth.  I was watching a movie.

Those of you who have a good connection with God will understand what I mean when I say that there are just those moments when something is said specifically for you.  When that line in a movie was written, or that person did something, and God just uses it to say something to you.

Up until this point, I viewed this part of the story as I stated above:  Eustace learning the hard way.  But, my question is, at least in the movie, could it have been the other way around?  Reepicheep is a mouse.  Granted, larger than your average household mouse, but a mouse regardless.  And yet, Reep was known for his incredible courage and valor.  Here he was, riding a dragon to battle, and the dragon wanted to run!  The mouse had to give the dragon a lesson in courage!  How odd!  Eustace had it easy!  Dragons are magical creatures with incredible strength, nearly invincible hides, fire breath, and so many more abilities which have been attributed to them.  He was protected, completely safe, having everything he could need to survive in the harshest of circumstances.

It should have been easy for him to have courage.

This was his easy time.  He was protected and strong for a reason.  Aslan had given him this time of protection in order for Eustace to reach out and have no fear of the repercussions.  He could fight and not be afraid, because he was invincible.

"Yes he was, Joanna.  And so are you.  I made you a dragon for a reason."

Hahah, right, God.  I'm no dragon.  I'm just ordinary, not even all that remarkable.  I'm a woman who still is learning just what the meaning of the word woman is...

"I know, that's why I am protecting you.  Take courage and reach out.  You are safe, nothing can harm you, dear heart."

I have everything I need to make it through the harshest of times:  a family and friends for support, clothes to stay warm, a roof over my head, and a Savior to guard my heart and soul and mind.  I have often stated, and fully believe, that I am invincible on this earth until my purpose has been fulfilled.  Why don't I act like it?

I am a dragon.  I have been given this time when I am completely protected in order to give me the chance to be courageous and without fear.  I have been given the chance to fight in this spiritual war which wages all around.  I am tasked with fighting for peoples' souls.  I was made dang feisty and protective for a reason!  These aren't bad things, they are tools to be used for my King's purposes.  I am to fight for His kingdom.  If I am to be of any use to Him, I cannot simply wait around for battles to come to me.  I somehow just know that I am supposed to be leading a charge into the thick of battle.  I am to ride straight to the heart of the enemy's power and stab it.

As I drove home, I was mulling this over.  I heard the rest of the movie, but it didn't strike me with the same potency as the words the Holy Spirit spoke to me.  It seems that movies are the best way for God to speak to me, at least tonight, because another movie line came into my head and heart:

"You can settle for a less than ordinary life..."

He would let me choose to not lead a charge into battle.  I could simply say no, and He would love me no less than if I had said yes.  There are some decisions in life that are simply up to you.  There are those which require very little faith on your part, those that need a medium amount, and those which require taking a dive off the side of a cliff acting purely on faith.  Each has their rewards and their difficulties.  I'm not sure if this is one of them, but it could be.  Right now, I feel like I'm living somewhere between the lower and middle areas of faith, changing back and forth each day.  I know God is asking more of me, I feel it with every fiber of my being.  I know that I could enjoy the blessings that come with staying where I am:  stability, comfort, complete provision.  I think the downside of this would knowing I could have had so much more.  Knowing that there was some greater purpose I was asked to fulfill, with greater blessings which would have lasted for eternity, and that I turned it down because I wanted something more immediate.  I'm not sure I could live with myself, having that nagging doubt in my mind.  I want to fulfill the complete purpose that God has for me on this earth.  I want everything He has for me, both the bitter and the sweet.  I want to go to bed each night knowing that I have done all I could that day, simply for the love of my Lord and King.

What I would love is if those who read this would pray for me.  I've watched people lead charges, and have led some small ones myself, and I don't really want to be in the forefront of all this.  There are reasons I don't lead charges.  I have been burned and hurt and scarred.  Leading a charge is a lonely thing in the best of times.  In the worst, I can't even imagine.  I've not had to deal very much with that.  I know, however, that whatever it is, once I start chasing, things will get worse.  There is a personal enemy of mine in the this world who will not want those people saved.  Pray for courage.  Pray for encouragement.  Most of all, pray for me in my fears of isolation.  If there's one fear I have, it's of being truly alone.  I cannot stand the idea of not having someone, pretty much anyone, with me.  I can't stand the idea of having to stand alone, perhaps facing all those I care about on the opposite side of things.  Pray for knowledge that God is always with me.  I know that I tend to make a lot of grand statements, and I feel like my life never changes in the big ways I thought it would.  But, perhaps, that's how my mind works with God's purposes.  I change, little by little, in ways I don't even realize.  This way, I can't take credit for my own actions.  :-)  But please, don't lose faith in what God can do in me, and in you.

I was made a dragon for a reason.

I think it's time to find out why.

You coming?  :-)

School and life and God

I'm feeling a little inspired to write tonight.  It's been quite some time, so I though I should update  :-)  My month long experiment was a success in many ways, and a failure in many others  :-)  As is usual with me, I tend to see extremes. 

I am now in the midst of schooling, and the semester is taking it's toll right about now.  I'm pretty tired and rather stressed with trying to arrange my schedule for next semester so that I could actually hold a job and go to school.  We shall see how that works out.  :-)  Right about now, it looks as though loans are going to become an option for me to make it through school, though I'd prefer to never have to use them.  I keep praying and asking God what it is He wants me to do.  So far, I am not quite sure about the direction.  I'll just keep praying, though, and keep plugging along where I am headed until I am told no by God.

There's part of me that doubts myself for even going back to school.  It's hard.  And, honestly, it's pretty dang lonely.  I'm so busy, I feel like I rarely get to hang out with people, and when I do, none of my old friends are there.  The people who knew me, and who I had known for years, are gone.  They either graduated or dropped out or moved on.  It's very shocking to come back to an environment where I used to be so comfortable and find myself in a place that feels vaguely familiar (like in dream) and yet entirely alien at the same time.  It shakes my confidence completely!  I've found myself without anyone I can fully trust to lean on, which is rather disconcerting.  I've always had people to depend on, and this is the first time I've ever had to solely lean on God for my support.  Some people would say it's like learning to ride a bike without training wheels, but it felt more extreme and sudden to me.  Besides which, I'm not doing it alone anyway.  :-)  I have the Holy Spirit.  Praise God for that!

While I don't have anyone I can fully trust, I suppose the phrase I should use is "fully trust YET."  I have made some friends that I think are fantastic people.  In fact, a couple of them have already made my "favorite people of all time" list!  The bassoon section is awesome!!!  There are four of us, and I feel like we really work together very well.  One of them is going to student teach in the spring which is pretty sad.  Each of us has our own distinct personality, and it's a fun mix when you get us all together! 

Overall, people have been very welcoming, but I just feel disconnected.  Perhaps it's a lack of time because of work and travel time.  Who knows?  :-)  But I am gaining some friendships that are already pretty meaningful to me.  One was formed by a complete accident.  I was sitting at dinner and there was a girl a few tables away, humming.  I could see that she was working on music theory, and wondered who she was.  Up to this point, I have rarely actually felt the Holy Spirit say I needed to go and talk with someone, but I had just heard my pastor talk about how he was pretty much bugged by the Spirit until he went and talked with someone and said what God wanted him to say.  I really felt like I just needed to go and say hi, so I did.  It turns out that she's a pretty awesome person!  I'm really glad I listened on that count, because life would be lonelier without her to talk with and run into at dinner sometimes!  One of the other bassoon players has also been very welcoming to me.  He never ceases to make me smile with his personality and creativity.  We have had some of the best conversations, it's been fantastic!  In their own ways, these two people especially have a way of inspiring me to stick around and tough it out.

But what ultimately convinces me to stay is the vision that God gave me.  I have to remember that.  I have this dream of being able to change the world for God by being a teacher.  My life was completely impacted by music when I was probably around 7 or 8.  It was the first time I sat down and watched Star Wars and heard the music.  I decided then that I wanted to conduct, and when I met my first band director in 6th grade my life was pretty much set.  He gave me a dream of being a band director.  I've doubted and I've tried other things, but nothing has given me that sense of fulfillment than the idea of that dream. 

God, please give me the the passion to keep chasing my dream:  the dream I believe you have given me, and the dream I believe you dream for me, as well.  Help me to live that out in the way You want me to.

Laters!
Joanna  :-)

Upsided Down Trees...

Well, as an update, things are going pretty well in life in general.  I feel much more grounded in my relationship with God than I think I ever have, which is wonderful.  My little "eating right" campaign is going well, and I've lost ten pounds to prove it!  So exciting!  Now if I could just convince myself to get up and exercise...  :-)  Ah well, one thing at a time.

Practicing is going ok.  I'm discovering that I actually hear all of my notes out of tune, which means I play them out of tune.  Must come from playing on a piano that needs tuning or something...  Or, more likely, it just means I'm a little out of whack! 

I'm writing this to process some thoughts from a devotional I had today.  The author was talking about a conversation she had with her daughter where she drew a tree as an illustration.  The tree had fruit, which represented "giftings", as she called it.  The tree also had roots which represented "virtues."  She was using the tree as a point, showing her daughter what happens when you are not grounded in virtues (which she listed as things like love, joy, peace, etc.).  If you focus too much on the fruit, and not enough on the roots, then the tree will fall over.

I had a bit of a picture put into my head with that.  The tree in this illustration represents a life.  The fruits/giftings represented to me "what I can do."  The roots/virtues were "what God channels through me."  If you think about it, it all makes sense.  What God channels through you creates different types of thoughts, words, and actions. 

My thought is, are we too focused on what we do, and not what God is trying to channel through us?

I realized that I had things backwards.

I thought (subconsciously) that what I did, and how well I did it, would affect what God chose to feed into me.  I thought that my fruits were my roots!  What a crazy upside down tree I have been!  When I realized that, I asked God to remind me that His world doesn't revolve around me, but mine should be around Him.  What I do doesn't affect what He does, but what He sends through me is the only thing that can change my life and my heart.

Then, in my little meditation (which took place in a practice room in the Morrison Center at BSU, btw!!!) I thought about all the spiritual gifts surveys I've taken over the years, and I began to think about them.  Are we too concerned about what our fruit is, what we can do and what happens when God flows something through us?  Are we too concerned about results?

Or, should we be more focused on what is going into our lives?  I've always heard it said that what goes in will come out...  Don't you think that, if we're allowing God to flow through us and fill us with His good things (whichever ones He may choose, not just the ones we want), and if we consciously choose the things of God to fill our lives, isn't that going to be most of what comes out of us?  Of course, we are human "trees" so things will occasionally come out in a way they probably shouldn't, but wouldn't you think that it's a safe bet that the more God you have, the less of yourself will exist?

Not that it's not good to understand what your natural callings are, but should we be analyzing ourselves constantly, or should we allow God to speak through other people into our lives and allow them to recognize what we may be gifted at?  Wouldn't you say that constantly looking at yourself and what you're "doing for God" is a form of self-worship?

I don't think God is as results oriented as we make Him out to be.

In fact

I'm leaning towards the idea that He's really not at all.

I think that our lives will be judged by the way we allowed Him to live through us while on earth.  I think the way we lived will be evaluated by the means we used to get our "ends."  People say that the ends justify the means, and I don't think that's true at all.  I think the means need to be in line with God's will, or the end result doesn't count because it will be all because of us.  When the means are in line with God's will, which is impossible for us to accomplish without Him, then the ends will be because of HIS work through us.

I worry that too many people are wrapped up in spiritual gifts, about what is coming out of them, and not simply watching what they are putting into themselves.

God, please save the upside down trees of this world, as You have saved me.

Be still

Tonight, this warrior chick is hurting.

I have been in such a state of confusion and anger and exhaustion it's made me almost start avoiding God.  Ok, well, not almost, I was avoiding God.  It was like a little "whack-a-mole" game.  I wouldn't stay in one place long enough to get a hold of me. 

It started when I came home from doing my school shopping.  I didn't have too much to get, just some paper, spiral notebooks, a couple of folders, and a new backpack.  The closer I got to home, the more I sunk into a pretty deep depression.  I was feeling guilty for buying the things I needed for school!  The little voice in my mind told me that, by buying what I needed, I was never going to be able to afford to move out, and it started attacking my use of the finances I have and going after me.

I prayed a little, which I haven't done in a serious way for quite a while.  When the voice went quiet, I started talking with God.  I felt like I needed to release something.  After buckets of tears, I thought that it would have to do with this book I've been reading, but I thought wrong.  I couldn't find the book, instead I found a cd.  It's by a group called Infinite Green.  They aren't in existence anymore, but I happen to know a couple of the band members who gave me the album... namely Connection's pastor Dusty and his wife, Tammi  :-)

Tammi had played a song at our open mic night that I just loved, and I remembered her telling me it was on this album, so I opened it up and flipped to the track.  Here are the words which I really needed to hear tonight:


When my good intentions turn into my striving,
And Your image is made weak for I am strong,
I'm amazed that your heart keeps on trying
to bring my mind to that of Christ's where I belong.

As I seek Your face
and fall upon Your grace
You say:

Be still, My Child, and know that I am holy.
Be still, My child, and know your heart is in My hands.
Be still, My child, and gaze into My eyes.
Can you tarry awhile for all the tears I've cried?
Can you stay awhile and let go of your pride?
And will you trust Me with your life because I died?
Be still,
Be still.

Well, I've poured my life out upon the altar,
and I've said, "No my will, but Thine be done."
It's when I try to understand I often falter.
When I take control, the battle's never won.

Defeated I cry.
Even still, You rush to my side
and say:

Be still, My Child, and know that I am holy.
Be still, My child, and know your heart is in My hands.
Be still, My child, and gaze into My eyes.
Can you tarry awhile for all the tears I've cried?
Can you stay awhile and let go of your pride?
And will you trust Me with your life because I died?
Be still,
Be still.

And if only you will trust in Me, My child,
I will give you peace.

In order to get peace, I have to be still and trust. 

I haven't been doing that

Obviously

Blessed are they that dwell in Your house, they will be still, praising You.  Psalm 84:4

Those that dwell in the Father's house are still before God.

 Allowing Him to do His work.

Does being still equate to doing nothing?  No, I don't think so.  It's more of a state of the soul.  In looking at some different definitions of the word "still" from the original languages of the Bible (granted, I'm no Bible scholar, but these sound accurate enough to me!), I found these to be the definitions:  to rest, settle down, to remain, be or make quiet, to lay or set down, deposit, to let remain or leave, to depart, to sit down, to dwell, to be undisturbed, to be at peace.

To be quiet, calm, to leave behind worries and cares of this world, to dwell in the presence of the Most High God while longing to remain there, and to be undisturbed in our souls.

That would be my idea of what being still should mean.  Does it mean I'm good at it?  Nope, not really, seeing as how I just came to that definition tonight.

But I will be practicing.

God, thank you for putting on my brakes.  Thank you for drawing me back to you.  I still have my questions, I still have no idea what's going to happen, but like that song says, the minute I try to understand is the minute I foul it all up.

Help me to trust you.
Help me to dwell in your presence, always.

I still can't believe You've not given up on me, with all the pain I've caused You.  Please forgive me. I love You, and I can't believe I never noticed how much I've missed You.  This time, I'll trust You to romance me without fear of You breaking my heart. 

This time,

I want to chase You, too.

:-)

Day three

Sorry I skipped day two!  I was feeling pretty nasty yesterday...  Still not in top shape, but I'll live  :-)  It will pass.  I'm hoping that changing my eating habits will help me out!

So, I'm on day three of my month of living the way I want to, and though I knew it wasn't going to be easy, I didn't realize it was going to be this hard!  My "I don't feel like it" attitude has been hitting harder each day.  I'm still not tidied up yet, and my practice schedule is in shambles...  But I won't let it defeat me.  God says that His mercies are new every morning.  Each day is new, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.  As long as I keep moving forward each day, instead of staying stagnant, then that's what I want to accomplish.  I simply want some forward momentum, I'm tired of being stuck.

Yesterday at work, I was reminded of something.  Something I probably didn't emphasize enough in my last blog.  These changes in my life and behavior are only going to be brought about through the power of God.  He is the conqueror, He is the one to whom victory and the credit for it belongs.  It is through His Holy Spirit's guidance that I will become the woman I dream of being.  I've just refused to listen up to this point.  I need to quiet myself more often, so that I can more clearly hear Him.

Anyway, yesterday at work, I would not have stuck to my plan if not for the Holy Spirit.  It was like my mind was awoken from a fog that I didn't even realize I was in!  I discovered just how many bad habits I had in terms of my eating!  It's so easy to eat sweets all day at work.  They're so accessible when you work at Starbucks, it's ridiculous, really.  I caught myself several times during the day reaching for a bite of pastry.  And, while one bite wouldn't be bad, I'm someone who just can't stop at one!  It's so difficult for me, I'm not used to exercising my self-control.  I had to lean on the gentle reminders of my Counselor all day to stop me.  When I watched myself and my actions without thought, I discovered it was no wonder I'd started to gain back all the weight that I'd lost last year.  It makes me sad.  Living life in such a fog has terrible results, and not just in the area of eating.  I can't imagine what people must go through who don't have Jesus there for them all the time.  Who can't turn to their own personal piece of God, living in their hearts, and look for guidance.  I can't imagine life without God at all.  I've always known He's there, and trying to imagine a life where I simply live and when I die that it's...  It makes me feel hopeless.

It's no wonder the rest of the world lives the way they do.  They have to take advantage of everything they can while alive, because when they die, that's it.  This really is the closest they will ever get to heaven.  Why would someone choose an existence like that?  Wouldn't people want to even just consider the possibility that God exists, simply for the idea of some greater purpose, something after this life?  It's like I'm coming from a world where people walk forward, looking at a world where people walk backward, and we just can't seem to come to an understanding.  It breaks my heart.

In other news, I'm getting the bags done for the girls at church, finally!  I want to finish them before school starts.  I have one basically done, I just have to attach the handle to it.  I'm feeling like I actually accomplished something, which is nice!  I'm doing my best to focus on what has been done for good, and not what I failed to accomplish.  Not that I can't learn from what hasn't been done, and still needs to, but I can't let the fact that I haven't done it keep me from being ok with myself as a person.  I've allowed that to happen for far too long, hating myself for everything I hadn't accomplished.  Now, my joy will be in what God has been able to do with me and through me.  Perhaps my life touches more people than I even knew.  It always seems to be that way in the missionary stories I've read.  Why wouldn't my life be that way?  I really hope that I get to see what God did "behind the scenes" of my life (which, of course, I totally think is all about me...  like all humans!), and what my life was really meant to accomplish.  I wonder what His purpose is for me, in the long run. 

In case you can't tell, I'm feeling rather contemplative!  :-)  But, that's how I prefer to be.  I'd rather be open to what's going on in my life, than be back in that fog.

Day one

Ok, so...  I have to admit, I'm not exactly happy with myself as I am.  I mean, not that I hate myself or anything, I'm just not the kind of person I'd like to be.

So, it's time for a little experiment!

This is day one of a thirty one day period where I am simply going to be the person I want to be.

Now, not saying I'm going to be a terrible person whenever I want...  Nononononono!  If you know me at all, you know I really would never want to be that person.  Here's a little preview of who I want to be:

Someone who spends regular time alone with God, reading and listening to Him.
Someone who takes good care of what she has (is a little tidier person than I am right now!)
Someone who takes good care of her body (eats better than I do, regularly exercises, etc...)
Someone who is punctual (I can be, but it varies)
Someone who regularly practices her bassoon!  ;-)
Someone who listens more and hears with her heart


In short, someone who does not allow her laziness or her "I just don't feel like it" attitude get in the way of what needs to be done.  I'm tired of them getting the better of me.  I want to overcome those things, and the best way I can think of to do this, is to make the things I listed above into habits.

I'm an extremely habitual person.  You can almost bet that you'll know what I'll do in a day.  Since I know this about myself, I'm going to use it as a weapon.

It varies according to the "experts" as to how long it takes to form a habit that is subconscious.  The number that's popped up a lot in my reading is somewhere between 21 to 30 days.  That's why the 31 day experiment.


You may think it strange, that a person can't change habits overnight.  And it's true!  I once saw a book entitled "Only Nuns Change Habits Overnight."  But, this is more than just changing habits.  This is me battling my negative emotions.  This is me vs. every voice in my head that says I can't do these things.


However


I know that the things on my list are honoring to God.  Jesus overcame death and the grave in His power, and has given me the power to overcome what keeps me from Him.  He has already won the battle, I just have to do my part and stand firm.  Does that sound kinda funny in terms of things like punctuality?  Yeah, maybe, but I feel like He's asking me to do this.  And I'm doing it.  Not because I think He'll love me more, but because this is who I want to be.  This is the dream He's given me, and, really, nothing but myself is preventing me from being that person!


This experiment is also for another blog that I write for.  It's called Beyond the Song.  I wrote a blog about overcoming the things in our lives that defeat us on a daily basis.  By changing these things in my life, I'm taking away any ammo that Satan may have in my life in that area by doing what I can about it.  That way, he will have to find something else to come after.  I'd call it "sealing the breaches in the wall."  If you want to know about that one, you can ask :-)



Lastly, on each day of the experiment, I'm also going to remind myself of one aspect of who I am in Christ.  :-)  I'm excited about that one.  I've been feeling a little lost lately, and I'm wondering if it's not because it's not ingrained in me as to who I am in Jesus.  So, here's one part of who I am, for those of you who don't know  :-)


2 Corinthians  5:17  Therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new.

I am a new creation.  The old me has passed away and is dead.  This is the new me.  :-)

Random thoughts while driving...

Ironically, I find I do most of my best thinking when I'm driving...  Maybe it's not so ironic, it's about the only time during the day when I sit down, by myself, and just allow thoughts to flow.  I guess I'd say it's more frustrating.  I have these thoughts which I really want to remember, then one leads to another, and I keep driving because I want to keep the flow going...  before I know it, I get home, feeling like I've really accomplished some wonderful thinking...  but for the life of me I can't remember what I thought about!  This is an attempt to recall some of my thoughts tonight...  let's see how this goes  :-)

My thought for tonight was a little bit of an epiphany.  I'm realizing just how bitter I am.  It's nuts.  I hate it.  People have said things that have hurt, and there's nothing wrong with the pain.  However, instead of choosing to face that pain while standing side by side with Jesus, I've chosen to nurse anger towards those people.  All I could see was my own pain, all I could remember were old wounds.

There have been a couple of thoughts these last couple of weeks that have changed my perspective on that.

One came from the book I'm reading.  It's simply called "Humility", but Andrew Murray.  I have to say, I love this book.  His definition of humility is nothing like what churches normally teach (at least in my experience!).  He defines humility as the state in which ourselves and our flesh have become nothing so that God may be everything.  He says in his book, and I'm really starting to agree with this statement, that humility is not something God gives us.  Instead, humility is something that comes out when Jesus is allowed to live in us, and through us.  In ourselves, we possess no holiness.  Jesus is our holiness, and any humility that may exist in our lives depends entirely on us realizing our relationship to God.  When we realize that this life is not about us, when we allow ourselves to be emptied of our fleshly self, the Holy Spirit has the room to fill us with those things which we so desire to see in our lives:  humility, holiness, gentleness, self-control...

Sounds like a tangent, but I promise it ties in:

My life was about my pain.  In nursing my pain and anger, I fed my pride.  I gave in to the idea that my life is all about me.  Am I saying my pain didn't matter?  No, but I hadn't dealt with it in a healthy way.  I was allowing it to become the center of my life, letting it fill me, instead of allowing God to be the center of my life, and my all.

Which is where the second thought comes in  :-)

At Connections, my church, we are going through a series called "Wield Power".  This last week was about pain.  I just remember this picture of my pastor's wife and how she spoke about what happens to women when they're inflicted with wounds in their life...  She stood there with her arms held wide open and head thrown back, saying that this is how women enter the world.  We have so much love and trust and nurturing to offer, but that women are created to be receivers as well.  We take everything deeply.  Everything has the potential to feel like a knife to our heart.  After about the 15th or 88th knife (depending on how many we can handle), there's something in us that snaps.  We then decide that we are going to harden ourselves, be strong, that no one will ever hurt us again.  So we take our wounded little girl, bleeding and dying, and put her somewhere safe, and build a brick wall around her.  She can't be hurt more, but she isn't getting any better.  That little girl is still bleeding, crying, and dying.

At this point, I was in tears.  I could just feel the little girl in my chest crying out.  I remember when I made that decision to put her someplace safe and become hardened.  This little girl, though, still want to give.  She wants to offer all she has, to risk any pain, for the chance of helping someone else.  But she still hurts, so badly.  My situation was described perfectly, I couldn't believe it.  I really thought I was the only person who was going through this, then I see that it's really true that "no temptation has overcome [me] except that which is common to man"...  And that temptation is to keep the little girl behind the wall.  My problem was that I didn't know what else to do.  I thought that's what you did.

"Face it."  The pastor and his wife said.  Face it side by side with Jesus.  But, wait, facing it means validating it.  It means that all those times I said "oh, it's alright" or "don't worry about it" or simply told myself to toughen up and it didn't matter...  I was lying.  It meant having to admit my own vulnerability, which is totally taboo to a lot of people in my life.  Being vulnerable means that you're just too sensitive, you're too emotional, you're a drama queen.  Thus, facing my pain, means losing control in a way.  I lose control over the pain to an extent, because I'm allowing it to be real.

"Face it, without fear.  Then ask Jesus to go in and heal that little girl, just like He did Jarius' daughter.  Then ask the Holy Spirit to start tearing down the brick wall around her."  That's what they said Sunday morning.

Only once I had faced my pain, only once I had allowed Jesus to heal the wounds I finally knew I had to admit were real, and only once the Holy Spirit opened up my heart again was I really able to allow all the nasty stuff in my heart to pour out.  Like an infection under the skin, only once the wound is lanced, cleaned, and salved can it heal and grow healthy the way it's supposed to.

I feel like my heart has been opened again, the "gunk" (to use one of my technical terms) has been poured out:  all the rancid bitterness, the burning anger, the aching pain...  the remnants of it are being scraped away.  Does that mean it's all gone?  Nope.  That habit is going to die hard, it's been rehearsed so often.  But what God is doing in me now has given me hope...

This may sound prideful, but I'm simply rejoicing in these thoughts:

When I saw one of the people who I really allowed to hurt me deeply before, my first reaction was no longer anger so great it physically hurt.  I suddenly felt this overwhelming desire to love this person and commiserate and rejoice with them at what is occurring in their life.  Before, I would have felt competitive and smug, respectively.  When I thought about it later, I was shocked.  I realized that, the part of me that really nearly expressed hate for this person, has been cleaned out, and filled with God's love toward this person.  I literally wasn't being me, the Holy Spirit finally had room to live through me!

Honestly, the only reason I noticed any of this was because tonight, as I was driving, I was expressing a desire for another person (who was also someone who wounded me) to find their healing.  If you had talked to me last week, I would have said that this person deserved any pain they were experiencing for the pain I know they've caused other people, including myself.  After having all this come together for me on Sunday and experiencing the cleansing I did, I suddenly found myself more concerned about the pain I know this person goes though than for past hurts.

I only share this so that you may rejoice with me.  I take no credit, nor am I even able to, because this is only possible because God is finally being allowed some elbow room in my head and heart.

Please, pray for me as I continue to learn this.  I want to learn from past mistakes in my life and not perpetuate them.  I desire to leave a legacy of love and healing to the next generation of Christians that I may have contact with, and not even have a hint of the illness of bitterness to pass on to them. Pray for protection from the enemy and his attacks as I learn to open up and be as I am:  imperfect but made blameless by the Great High Priest, having been wounded by humans but divinely healed by the ultimate Healer, feeling unlovable but loved to the utmost by my Father.  Pray that I will become less and He more and more.  May His best for me be worked out in my life, now and for eternity.

:-)

Joanna


I wondered how to come to You,
I did not dare believe it true,
that You regard the orphaned ones:
beloved daughters, worthy sons,

The broken and the barren too,
I heard I could find some rest in You.
What kind of love in injury's place,
would leave instead the stain of grace?

So I come in sorrow and I come in shame.
I come to the cross with my pain.

Just as I am, without one plea,
but that thy blood was shed for me
and that Thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

The pardon that I found from sin
spilled out from where the nails went in.
My heart will ever more proclaim
I had not lived until that day.

And I know there is a crown for me
beyond where mortal eyes can see
and I don't nod to any man,
but offer me just as I am.

So I come rejoicing with hands held high,
and I come singing words of new life.

Just as I am, without one plea,
but that thy blood was shed for me
and that Thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God,
O Lamb of God,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

O Lamb of God, I come.