Last night I was praying and thinking about a lot of things. At Connections we have been learning about God's love, so that was on my mind, and I also received an email from a friend of mine, speaking encouragement to me because he felt that he saw some certain fear in my life. Really, it was odd. I had no idea that he was seeing this in my life, but the more I thought about it, I realized it was true. There was a fear in my life, and he was also right about what that fear is: waking up in the morning.
:-) I know, that sounds a little odd, but hear me out... I grew up with legalism being preached to me, and the lies that tend to go along with it were also ingrained in my thought processes. I soon developed my own little self-condemning voice in my head. My own personal judge that holds me to an extremely, ridiculously high standard. This causes me to live life feeling completely guilt-ridden most of the time. I feel like, if I could just live up to the standards to which I attempt to hold myself, then I might possibly have a life where nothing is wrong. And, since I am constantly feeling guilty instead of being as happy as I see everyone else around me appearing to be, there must be something wrong with me.
In short, I hate waking up to my judge, my guilt, and my self-condemnation.
(Yes, I'm saying this in a public place, but, perhaps, if I name these fears, then I will be able to further recognize them in my life and root them out!!! I'm not afraid of saying what my weaknesses are, because I know how God works through them!!! :-)
I'd say that the worst of these is the guilt that I carry around with me. And I began to think about this guilt: why I feel it, what causes it, my inability to simply let it go and give it to God... And I realized that it is completely opposite of God's love. I always thought that it was my guilt that should drive me to God. Now, I'm not so sure. My guilt is preventing me from going to God, keeping me from allowing myself to fully experience Him. I feel that I am not worthy of His love until I make myself perfect, and until I am a happy person who lives up to the standards I've been taught, I am not going to experience the fullness of His love.
(Yes, for those of you who are reading this, I know this is a LIE from the pit of hell. However, these thoughts are so sneaky that they can convince me of something that I know to be completely false!)
On the other hand...
God's love should be what drives me to God. His love poured out on me, given to me, and returned by my heart to Him. When I fall short of God's expectations of me (which are very different from my own of myself), it should be my sorrow for grieving the heart of the One I love that brings me to repentance.
His love and my guilt are at odds.
Ergo, we come to what I did about it.
I rewrote a couple of verses in the Bible.
Please, don't stone me! :-) I promise, I'm not changing the meaning of it at all! Look up Romans 8:38-39
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
I never really got the concept of these verses in my heart until last night, and I've known them by heart since I was probably about eight years old. They're powerful words, but in some ways Paul is being specifically vague here... at least in my humble opinion. I mean, all of these things directly affect me and my life, just not always in ways that I perceive. So, I made it more personal, and much more specific to my life.
For I am completely convinced, and no one will ever be able to change my mind, that neither bad reputations nor self-condemning thoughts, neither what my parents say nor the opinions of my extended family or friends; neither the sins I commit willingly today, those from my past that I can't seem to let go of, nor those times when I have yet to mess up in the future, nor any time when I am not perfectly happy or content; neither guilt, nor pride, nor feelings of unattractiveness because of romantic inattentiveness of the opposite sex nor any other thing (which I might consider to be a serious flaw, and therefore a sign that something is definitely wrong with me) will ever, I repeat, EVER make God think that there is something wrong with me, cease His utter delight in every detail of my life, or be a reason that God would reject me at any time. His love is far bigger than any of my reasons to think that I'm unlovable, and because of Jesus, this huge, unfailing, truest off true loves is mine to revel in, and be overwhelmed by. No matter what is happening in my life, nothing will ever be so big or powerful that it can ever separate me from God's love. God will let nothing come between us.
So, here's the thought for the night... I was allowing these things, and more, to build a one way wall between me and God. His love could reach me, but I wasn't allowing myself to reach into the fullness of Him because of these things. What keeps you from immersing yourself in God's love?
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Refuge
So I've been having some thoughts lately, and I'm tired of trying to keep track of which notebook I wrote them in :-) I figure I might as well keep these musings in a blog so I won't have to remember where I put them!
Lately I've been feeling rather exposed. You see, at my church, Connections, we've been doing 21 days of fasting. Not that all of us haven't eaten for 21 days, but different people in the church chose a certain day to fast and pray. I chose a day early on, but also chose to fast from some other things in my life for the whole time. I chose to give up my TV and movie "privileges" in order to spend more time with God. I realized just how much time that was eating up in my life, and I knew I could put it to better use. So I did... sometimes.
Really, I discovered that, even though the time is set apart for God, I tend to want to put other things in that time slot. I couldn't seem to figure out why until a couple of days ago. One of my new friends put up a post on Facebook about Psalm 27. It's been one of my favorite chapters in the Bible for a very long time, so I was excited to see him post it up. Then he talked about God being his shelter and having no reason to fear. I didn't think too much about it, but then I kept coming across references to "shelter" in my reading the next day. I knew God was trying to say something, so I stopped what I was doing and just started looking up the references to "shelter" in the Bible, and any related cross references.
Ever done that? I felt so ashamed when I did. I realized all the things I filled that time with were what I was running to for shelter and comfort. Here I am, saying I'm a Christian, and yet God isn't my protection and my comfort?!? Seriously, there's something wrong with this picture.
These were some of the verses I found that I loved (and I'm totally still looking, even!):
Deuteronomy 33:27a
"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms [...]
Psalm 27:1
"The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psalm 46:1
"God is our refuge and strength, and ever- present help in trouble."
Psalm 32:7
"You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."
Psalm 90:1
"Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations."
(this is one I totally needed right now!)
Psalm 31:19-20
"How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you. In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues."
Psalm 5:11
"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as a shield."
I am so ashamed. I've been so fearful, when I had no need to. God keeps asking me to step out in faith, to speak up, to be who He wants me to be... and I've been too scared. I've been hiding behind everything I possibly could to keep me safe from the pains of this life, and it was only when those things were stripped away that I saw just how temporary that protection is. My prayer now is that I will remember that God is my protection, and that I have no need to fear. I want to be able to say the same thing that King David did in Psalm 91:1-2
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Just take a minute and think about what you take refuge from the storms of life in... Do you shop to make yourself feel better? Eat to hide the pain? Run to escape problems? Play video games or watch movies to tune life out? Whatever your shelter is, consider giving it up, just for a few days, and take that time to run to God. Is it scary the first several times you do it? Possibly for some of us, it is! But that shelter will never go away. You see, when I looked up the definition of the word refuge (thank God for Webster!), I came up with two entries. The first one was a noun, and it was your typical definition of refuge: shelter, protection, recourse... all talking about what we get when we go there. The second entry was refuge as a verb. God is not only offering a place for us to go, but He is also active in his sheltering of us. If there's one thing that cannot be said about our God, it's that He's passive. He always takes action, just not in the ways we expect Him to show up.
Lately I've been feeling rather exposed. You see, at my church, Connections, we've been doing 21 days of fasting. Not that all of us haven't eaten for 21 days, but different people in the church chose a certain day to fast and pray. I chose a day early on, but also chose to fast from some other things in my life for the whole time. I chose to give up my TV and movie "privileges" in order to spend more time with God. I realized just how much time that was eating up in my life, and I knew I could put it to better use. So I did... sometimes.
Really, I discovered that, even though the time is set apart for God, I tend to want to put other things in that time slot. I couldn't seem to figure out why until a couple of days ago. One of my new friends put up a post on Facebook about Psalm 27. It's been one of my favorite chapters in the Bible for a very long time, so I was excited to see him post it up. Then he talked about God being his shelter and having no reason to fear. I didn't think too much about it, but then I kept coming across references to "shelter" in my reading the next day. I knew God was trying to say something, so I stopped what I was doing and just started looking up the references to "shelter" in the Bible, and any related cross references.
Ever done that? I felt so ashamed when I did. I realized all the things I filled that time with were what I was running to for shelter and comfort. Here I am, saying I'm a Christian, and yet God isn't my protection and my comfort?!? Seriously, there's something wrong with this picture.
These were some of the verses I found that I loved (and I'm totally still looking, even!):
Deuteronomy 33:27a
"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms [...]
Psalm 27:1
"The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psalm 46:1
"God is our refuge and strength, and ever- present help in trouble."
Psalm 32:7
"You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."
Psalm 90:1
"Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations."
(this is one I totally needed right now!)
Psalm 31:19-20
"How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you. In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues."
Psalm 5:11
"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as a shield."
I am so ashamed. I've been so fearful, when I had no need to. God keeps asking me to step out in faith, to speak up, to be who He wants me to be... and I've been too scared. I've been hiding behind everything I possibly could to keep me safe from the pains of this life, and it was only when those things were stripped away that I saw just how temporary that protection is. My prayer now is that I will remember that God is my protection, and that I have no need to fear. I want to be able to say the same thing that King David did in Psalm 91:1-2
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Just take a minute and think about what you take refuge from the storms of life in... Do you shop to make yourself feel better? Eat to hide the pain? Run to escape problems? Play video games or watch movies to tune life out? Whatever your shelter is, consider giving it up, just for a few days, and take that time to run to God. Is it scary the first several times you do it? Possibly for some of us, it is! But that shelter will never go away. You see, when I looked up the definition of the word refuge (thank God for Webster!), I came up with two entries. The first one was a noun, and it was your typical definition of refuge: shelter, protection, recourse... all talking about what we get when we go there. The second entry was refuge as a verb. God is not only offering a place for us to go, but He is also active in his sheltering of us. If there's one thing that cannot be said about our God, it's that He's passive. He always takes action, just not in the ways we expect Him to show up.
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