In Other Words...

Last night I was praying and thinking about a lot of things.  At Connections we have been learning about God's love, so that was on my mind, and I also received an email from a friend of mine, speaking encouragement to me because he felt that he saw some certain fear in my life.  Really, it was odd.  I had no idea that he was seeing this in my life, but the more I thought about it, I realized it was true.  There was a fear in my life, and he was also right about what that fear is:  waking up in the morning.

:-)  I know, that sounds a little odd, but hear me out...  I grew up with legalism being preached to me, and the lies that tend to go along with it were also ingrained in my thought processes.  I soon developed my own little self-condemning voice in my head.  My own personal judge that holds me to an extremely, ridiculously high standard.  This causes me to live life feeling completely guilt-ridden most of the time.  I feel like, if I could just live up to the standards to which I attempt to hold myself, then I might possibly have a life where nothing is wrong.  And, since I am constantly feeling guilty instead of being as happy as I see everyone else around me appearing to be, there must be something wrong with me.

In short, I hate waking up to my judge, my guilt, and my self-condemnation.

(Yes, I'm saying this in a public place, but, perhaps, if I name these fears, then I will be able to further recognize them in my life and root them out!!!  I'm not afraid of saying what my weaknesses are, because I know how God works through them!!!  :-)

I'd say that the worst of these is the guilt that I carry around with me.  And I began to think about this guilt:  why I feel it, what causes it, my inability to simply let it go and give it to God...  And I realized that it is completely opposite of God's love.  I always thought that it was my guilt that should drive me to God.  Now, I'm not so sure.  My guilt is preventing me from going to God, keeping me from allowing myself to fully experience Him.  I feel that I am not worthy of His love until I make myself perfect, and until I am a happy person who lives up to the standards I've been taught, I am not going to experience the fullness of His love.

(Yes, for those of you who are reading this, I know this is a LIE from the pit of hell.  However, these thoughts are so sneaky that they can convince me of something that I know to be completely false!)

On the other hand...

God's love should be what drives me to God.  His love poured out on me, given to me, and returned by my heart to Him.  When I fall short of God's expectations of me (which are very different from my own of myself), it should be my sorrow for grieving the heart of the One I love that brings me to repentance.

His love and my guilt are at odds.

Ergo, we come to what I did about it.

I rewrote a couple of verses in the Bible.

Please, don't stone me!  :-)  I promise, I'm not changing the meaning of it at all!  Look up Romans 8:38-39

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I never really got the concept of these verses in my heart until last night, and I've known them by heart since I was probably about eight years old.  They're powerful words, but in some ways Paul is being specifically vague here... at least in my humble opinion.  I mean, all of these things directly affect me and my life, just not always in ways that I perceive.  So, I made it more personal, and much more specific to my life.


For I am completely convinced, and no one will ever be able to change my mind, that neither bad reputations nor self-condemning thoughts, neither what my parents say nor the opinions of my extended family or friends; neither the sins I commit willingly today, those from my past that I can't seem to let go of, nor those times when I have yet to mess up in the future, nor any time when I am not perfectly happy or content; neither guilt, nor pride, nor feelings of unattractiveness because of romantic inattentiveness of the opposite sex nor any other thing (which I might consider to be a serious flaw, and therefore a sign that something is definitely wrong with me) will ever, I repeat, EVER make God think that there is something wrong with me, cease His utter delight in every detail of my life, or be a reason that God would reject me at any time.  His love is far bigger than any of my reasons to think that I'm unlovable, and because of Jesus, this huge, unfailing, truest off true loves is mine to revel in, and be overwhelmed by.  No matter what is happening in my life, nothing will ever be so big or powerful that it can ever separate me from God's love.  God will let nothing come between us.


So, here's the thought for the night...  I was allowing these things, and more, to build a one way wall between me and God.  His love could reach me, but I wasn't allowing myself to reach into the fullness of Him because of these things.  What keeps you from immersing yourself in God's love?