School and life and God

I'm feeling a little inspired to write tonight.  It's been quite some time, so I though I should update  :-)  My month long experiment was a success in many ways, and a failure in many others  :-)  As is usual with me, I tend to see extremes. 

I am now in the midst of schooling, and the semester is taking it's toll right about now.  I'm pretty tired and rather stressed with trying to arrange my schedule for next semester so that I could actually hold a job and go to school.  We shall see how that works out.  :-)  Right about now, it looks as though loans are going to become an option for me to make it through school, though I'd prefer to never have to use them.  I keep praying and asking God what it is He wants me to do.  So far, I am not quite sure about the direction.  I'll just keep praying, though, and keep plugging along where I am headed until I am told no by God.

There's part of me that doubts myself for even going back to school.  It's hard.  And, honestly, it's pretty dang lonely.  I'm so busy, I feel like I rarely get to hang out with people, and when I do, none of my old friends are there.  The people who knew me, and who I had known for years, are gone.  They either graduated or dropped out or moved on.  It's very shocking to come back to an environment where I used to be so comfortable and find myself in a place that feels vaguely familiar (like in dream) and yet entirely alien at the same time.  It shakes my confidence completely!  I've found myself without anyone I can fully trust to lean on, which is rather disconcerting.  I've always had people to depend on, and this is the first time I've ever had to solely lean on God for my support.  Some people would say it's like learning to ride a bike without training wheels, but it felt more extreme and sudden to me.  Besides which, I'm not doing it alone anyway.  :-)  I have the Holy Spirit.  Praise God for that!

While I don't have anyone I can fully trust, I suppose the phrase I should use is "fully trust YET."  I have made some friends that I think are fantastic people.  In fact, a couple of them have already made my "favorite people of all time" list!  The bassoon section is awesome!!!  There are four of us, and I feel like we really work together very well.  One of them is going to student teach in the spring which is pretty sad.  Each of us has our own distinct personality, and it's a fun mix when you get us all together! 

Overall, people have been very welcoming, but I just feel disconnected.  Perhaps it's a lack of time because of work and travel time.  Who knows?  :-)  But I am gaining some friendships that are already pretty meaningful to me.  One was formed by a complete accident.  I was sitting at dinner and there was a girl a few tables away, humming.  I could see that she was working on music theory, and wondered who she was.  Up to this point, I have rarely actually felt the Holy Spirit say I needed to go and talk with someone, but I had just heard my pastor talk about how he was pretty much bugged by the Spirit until he went and talked with someone and said what God wanted him to say.  I really felt like I just needed to go and say hi, so I did.  It turns out that she's a pretty awesome person!  I'm really glad I listened on that count, because life would be lonelier without her to talk with and run into at dinner sometimes!  One of the other bassoon players has also been very welcoming to me.  He never ceases to make me smile with his personality and creativity.  We have had some of the best conversations, it's been fantastic!  In their own ways, these two people especially have a way of inspiring me to stick around and tough it out.

But what ultimately convinces me to stay is the vision that God gave me.  I have to remember that.  I have this dream of being able to change the world for God by being a teacher.  My life was completely impacted by music when I was probably around 7 or 8.  It was the first time I sat down and watched Star Wars and heard the music.  I decided then that I wanted to conduct, and when I met my first band director in 6th grade my life was pretty much set.  He gave me a dream of being a band director.  I've doubted and I've tried other things, but nothing has given me that sense of fulfillment than the idea of that dream. 

God, please give me the the passion to keep chasing my dream:  the dream I believe you have given me, and the dream I believe you dream for me, as well.  Help me to live that out in the way You want me to.

Laters!
Joanna  :-)